


When in doubt, pass the blame

by scrie (Elenius)



Category: Bleach
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-04
Updated: 2012-10-04
Packaged: 2017-11-15 16:00:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/529011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elenius/pseuds/scrie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'He fell in, sir,' Renji said, a little desperately.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When in doubt, pass the blame

Kuchiki Byakuya extended a hand and, with casual grace, brushed an imaginary speck off his sleeve. Then he directed his attention to the room's other two occupants (one of whom had the decency to look embarrassed) and said, in tones of feigned boredom, 'Well?'

'Tragic accident,' Renji said, with the conviction of someone who had rehearsed the whole thing several times beforehand. He tried to ignore the quietly restrained snickers behind him.

'Such as may be expected, given your presence at the scene.'

'He fell in, sir,' Renji said, a little desperately. There was another snicker, not quite so restrained this time.

'Clumsy though our guest may be, one doubts he would have found his way directly into the koi pond without assistance.' He made a point out of allowing Renji to process the light emphasis on 'our guest', then he picked up a hastily scribbled note from his retainer. 

'Apparently the two of you found it appropriate to stage an impromptu sparring match in the manor's gardens, which degenerated into a string of verbal insults. Upon being called such names as I refuse to utter at this time, you decided to manhandle Kurosaki Ichigo into the koi pond, in order to make a point of-- _Kuchiki Rukia.'_

Rukia jumped to attention and fought to keep a straight face.

'Yes, Brother?'

'You will please keep silent while I am speaking.'

'I apologize, Brother.'

'Indeed. Now, while I would not show any interest in your antics otherwise, I will have to ask one of you to explain,' he picked up a vaguely wriggling form from the water bowl placed at his side and held it at arm's length, 'what this is.'

Renji turned to Rukia and tried not to make any vigorous gestures of panic.

'Pygopristis denticulata, Brother' she said. Byakuya arched a brow. 'It is a species of fish from the human world commonly known as the lobetoothed piranha. The merchant who sold them to me said they are fascinating.'

'Is that so?'

'They behave quite interestingly in the presence of other... things,' she offered.

'And what, may I ask, were a dozen Pygopristis denticulata doing in my koi pond?'

Rukia looked a little embarrassed. 'Well, it's a very _big_ pond, Brother.'

'Currently without any koi.'

'I really thought they would get along!'

'Apparently that was not the case. Such as it is, I will have to direct my attention to more practical issues. Renji.'

His vice-captain, happy to be ignored for the moment, stood to attention. 

'Sir.'

'One standard issue Gotei 13 hakama will be paid for out of your wages. As will a generous donation to the Fourth Division for,' he picked up a second note, 'treating Kurosaki Ichigo of a flesh wound to somewhere unmentionable.'

'Yessir.'

'Good. Now you will each retreat to your respective chambers while I meditate punishment.'

**

Later that afternoon, Byakuya asked to see the manor's administrator. 

'I've sent two men to clear the pond, my Lord,' the man said, as soon as he rushed into the study. 'Rest assured that everything will be restored shortly.'

There was a splash, followed by a scream on the far side of the gardens. Byakuya considered this for a moment. 

'No, leave it,' he said finally. 

'My Lord?'

'And I believe you may dismiss the guards at the back gate.'


End file.
